I don't know what's wrong with me, I've been having major relationship issues relatively frequently within this past year; I feel a little like I'm trapped in a prison of bad luck. At least in the past, I knew what I was doing wrong. This time I have a very, very vague idea, but the reason is not enough to condemn me to relationship electric chair. I wish I could be forgiven, but it seems that God forgives more readily than humans. I know I hold onto grudges for a long time, they're hard to forget. Often, the people involved have long forgotten the issue by the time I complain about it. I'm going to give it time and see what happens; I've been wronged enough that I don't want to forgive, but I have no idea what's ruined this relationship to this state. So basically, I'm holding a grudge against this big unknown. I'm not a fan of unknowns, especially in chemistry and math.

All I want is to know what I've done wrong, is that too much to ask? I can't learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they were. Gosh, this is bizarre and a million times worse than breaking up with Alex...at least I could recover from that. I need some freedom from this confining jail cell, or at least a little light. Help is on the way though, the bff is coming in less than two months! She can bail me out :)

Back Again...Yay?

I'm leading my first prayer meeting today...I think I now understand why Jason Pierce acted really concerned about being gone for a month. I don't like to admit when I need help, which makes the whole process painful. If it's someone I have to work with, I'm fine, but Moriah just asked if I needed her help in any way and the answer: no. I think I want to feel capable of doing things without the "training wheels". Oh well, it'll be an experience...
So yesterday I went on a train ride. One that took over 9 hours. Thankfully I had a cameraphone to keep me occupied; I must have looked either vain or demented, snapping random pictures of myself. It was fairly dark, so I had to find a good angle where there was light, then...well, it was an interesting process. I now have pictures of the Fort Worth train station, the Temple train station, the McGregor train station?, and all those other *magical* places in Texas everyone dreams about visiting. My favorite part was the people from Detroit and Chicago who commented on the inferiority of Texas and were amazed by the size of the crows. "Do you see that crow over there? It's huge, I guess they really do grow everything bigger in Texas." Yea, so what if the crows are bigger here, that doesn't make me want to claim residency here any longer than I'm forced to. Which is only about a year longer, thank God.

I am SO ready for school to be over forever. More stress over graduating on time has got me down, along with resonable doubts about getting a job to pay for everything, being able to get an internship, having friends, falling in love.....pretty much everything. I wanna go home and I want a vacation from life. Is there a chance things will pull together soon? As in, less than a year? Probably not, since I know that it needs to take a couple years for some things I want to happen to even be possible. I'm the least patient person in the world most of the time...and now one of the least motivated people. Yay for rejection and not being wanted despite being "nice" and "cute." I think I'm going to try to bargain with God to see if he can give me a year off. Speaking of time off, I need to take my last final of this spring semester then resume my pre-marathon training...I'm trying to decide whether I like Xanga or Blogspot more now, I think I might make another switch back...but that's a minor decision that needs to be made.