I don't know what's wrong with me, I've been having major relationship issues relatively frequently within this past year; I feel a little like I'm trapped in a prison of bad luck. At least in the past, I knew what I was doing wrong. This time I have a very, very vague idea, but the reason is not enough to condemn me to relationship electric chair. I wish I could be forgiven, but it seems that God forgives more readily than humans. I know I hold onto grudges for a long time, they're hard to forget. Often, the people involved have long forgotten the issue by the time I complain about it. I'm going to give it time and see what happens; I've been wronged enough that I don't want to forgive, but I have no idea what's ruined this relationship to this state. So basically, I'm holding a grudge against this big unknown. I'm not a fan of unknowns, especially in chemistry and math.

All I want is to know what I've done wrong, is that too much to ask? I can't learn from my mistakes if I don't know what they were. Gosh, this is bizarre and a million times worse than breaking up with Alex...at least I could recover from that. I need some freedom from this confining jail cell, or at least a little light. Help is on the way though, the bff is coming in less than two months! She can bail me out :)

Back Again...Yay?

I'm leading my first prayer meeting today...I think I now understand why Jason Pierce acted really concerned about being gone for a month. I don't like to admit when I need help, which makes the whole process painful. If it's someone I have to work with, I'm fine, but Moriah just asked if I needed her help in any way and the answer: no. I think I want to feel capable of doing things without the "training wheels". Oh well, it'll be an experience...
So yesterday I went on a train ride. One that took over 9 hours. Thankfully I had a cameraphone to keep me occupied; I must have looked either vain or demented, snapping random pictures of myself. It was fairly dark, so I had to find a good angle where there was light, then...well, it was an interesting process. I now have pictures of the Fort Worth train station, the Temple train station, the McGregor train station?, and all those other *magical* places in Texas everyone dreams about visiting. My favorite part was the people from Detroit and Chicago who commented on the inferiority of Texas and were amazed by the size of the crows. "Do you see that crow over there? It's huge, I guess they really do grow everything bigger in Texas." Yea, so what if the crows are bigger here, that doesn't make me want to claim residency here any longer than I'm forced to. Which is only about a year longer, thank God.

I am SO ready for school to be over forever. More stress over graduating on time has got me down, along with resonable doubts about getting a job to pay for everything, being able to get an internship, having friends, falling in love.....pretty much everything. I wanna go home and I want a vacation from life. Is there a chance things will pull together soon? As in, less than a year? Probably not, since I know that it needs to take a couple years for some things I want to happen to even be possible. I'm the least patient person in the world most of the time...and now one of the least motivated people. Yay for rejection and not being wanted despite being "nice" and "cute." I think I'm going to try to bargain with God to see if he can give me a year off. Speaking of time off, I need to take my last final of this spring semester then resume my pre-marathon training...I'm trying to decide whether I like Xanga or Blogspot more now, I think I might make another switch back...but that's a minor decision that needs to be made.

Making the Move

Comment from Jessie this morning: "you should've just let him make out with you last night!"

I'd like to take this space to make an important announcement: I'm getting married...........yea, I knew no one would believe that one...out of boredom with blogspot (how that would happen, I don't know) and the feeling that I need to move on to another stage of my life (for more reasons than I'd like to list right now), I've moved to xanga. So for those of you curious about my newest adventures, try www.xanga.com/acwgurl85.

Nightmare

Insomnia hits again...but this time for a good reason, I sprained my ankle and can't shake the pain off. Not to worry, I'll be up and walking again in a few days...or a few hours since I have class tomorrow. So to keep myself occupied (since everyone's asleep before 1:30 these days but me), I've been playing with an addictive little website called blogthings.com... I found out I'd be a Reese's peanut butter cup because people can't get enough of me, I attract people who want security, and if I was in a John Cusack movie I'd be in "Serendipity" (an excellent movie, for those who haven't watched it). Another one:

You are a City Girl!
Whether you live in the city or not, you've got the heart of a city girl.You're up on the latest trends - what's hot in music, food, and fashion.And you love to be on the go. Your perfect day is filled with tons of fun.Your perfect guy is a city guy, so head to LA, NYC, Sydney, or London to find him!

Okay, apparently I have no idea how to post these things as they come, but - this one's just a little weird. I'm totally a city girl, mostly because I've never been anything but...guess I need to actually move back to a city sometime. And then there are the ones about love, which, well, let's just say I'm not in the mood for tonight at all. It's been an overall discouraging day and I'm just ready to be unhurt both physically and mentally. Another reason I can't sleep. There's a certain someone I can't stop thinking about, then there's another who I can't stop fighting with for one reason or another. One may call it miscommunication, but I think it's something else, who knows. Either way, I really wish I knew how both people felt about me, but for different purposes. I also wish the jeep wouldn't be 'off-limits' anymore...and that I could find a job so I can pay for gas and - well, apparently, everything else that goes into owning a car. The joys of living in San Marcos never end, I swear. Hopefully tomorrow won't be as terrible as today, I doubt it could be unless I break my other leg or an arm...or just die. In that case though, I wouldn't have to face this pain anymore, and I wouldn't feel so incompetent anymore. I can't even get up off the floor without someone helping me, it's sad. But like the speaker at the MLK celebration said today, when you fall down you get back up. I think I'm going to need a good pull from where I am right now...
Skinning my knees reminded me of when I was younger; I used to hurt myself a lot back then. My mom was afraid of passing out from all the blood sometimes, it's ridiculous to think of how things have changed since the times when I walked around like a zombie for days because both of my knees were raw. When you grow up you become safer and less reckless, at least in many ways by the time you reach your twenties. I wish I was still as daring as I was when I was five. I also wish I was still naive about the pain and distrust a relationship can cause. Alright, well, only twelve hours til class, I better get some sleep. I'll hopefully start posting more...as in, less than twelve hours from now there might be another blog, hopefully less depressing. Maybe I'll be able to walk in the morning...

Autumn Changes

It's been a crazy weekend with very small pauses between events including human interaction; I can't complain though, it's my own way of celebrating the final, definite end of "my rebellious stage." Some might expect infinite sadness, but really, I'm feeling relieved and refreshed (with some blue undertones). Two lives part ways, thus opening the chasm and allowing other things to replace one another. It's strange how different I feel; a little numb from confusion, but I know everything will be okay, probably even better eventually. How do girls go through the "I hate boys" stage? I don't get it, I don't think that for one moment in my life I've actually hated boys. A little bitter, definitely. But it was the right time...perhaps a little too late in most people's opinions. But I can't say I'll look back in regret, and I can honestly say that I've learned something from all that happened. What happens next? Ah, another mystery yet to be solved. Until that happens, I'll be looking forward to Thanksgiving, sorting my life out again, and reprioritizing.

If you see me dazed and unaware of my own surroundings, please snap me back into reality before my thoughts run too deeply into the past. The past, after all, is a forest into which the mind can wander and lose its way. Stumbling to pick myself back up, I look around and find a sea of faces who support and care for me and focus less on the shadows behind me.

Changed and Renewed,
Anna

Five Days and Counting...

Right around this time every year I'm ready for Christmastime to come; I started listening to Christmas music on Monday. I can't say that it exactly feels remotely like winter yet (even with the cool front), but it's exciting to think that this semester will be over in less than a month! One more chemistry lab -unfortunately, for one or two reasons- and about four more times for every other class and we're done. I can't say this semester has treated me unkindly, but it has been a bit overbearing this past week or so. I've had to write three essays this week, along with one test, two quizzes, a journal, and finishing a portfolio. Half of these things were either done out of haste or not at all, which is saying a lot about how much I look forward to Thanksgiving break. Perserverance and patience never were my favorite words, but they must be learned. It's ironic that patience must be learned over time; who wants to wait to become a patient person?
I haven't been home since August, but the remaining five days seem almost as long as the four months I've waited to go home. One thing I am absolutely excited about: part of the family coming down to pick me up!