Why Does It Hurt?

I spent so many hours trying to make it work, I agonized both day and night, I wrote as passionately as I could in attempt to make it work. Last night I could barely sleep; when I did, my dreams reminded me of the agony I would continue to face in the morning. Today I thought, "Will I make it through this day, will I survive? It's just too much to bear." No, I refused to allow myself to express this utter need of support. I nearly shed a tear when I was hiding under my covers, trying to make the pain of it all dissappear, if only for a few minutes. For the first time in a very long time, I felt myself nearly breaking down. Hours at the computer, attempting to solve these problems seem wasted, my written word completely meaningless. All this for what? A boy? If that were true, I would never admit it; and it's doubtful that it would ever be the case. No, it was my annual financial report for accounting. And it's finally over; freedom on the Fourth of July, who would've guessed?
Today we celebrate freedom, liberty, and all that is patriotic. For the past few days I've been grappling with my feelings on these subjects. I've never considered myself patriotic; quite the opposite, for no particular reason. Nevertheless, I do support the troops, for whatever that's worth. At the same time, I don't see the need for war, which just complicates the whole situation. I hate war, I hate people dying (no matter what cause it may be for), and I hate that people I know are willing to put themselves in the line of fire. I can think of at least one friend or family member for each military branch who is or has served. Army, Navy, Coast Guard, Air Force, and Marines. It's painful for me to see each uniform and to hear each salute song, it just makes me sick to my stomach every time because I have a face to represent each. Maybe it's just me, maybe I have digestive problems or maybe it's early menopause that raises my temperature about ten degrees every time, but these things make me visibly uncomfortable. Sometimes I wish my friends weren't so brave.
To those of you who are soldiers: thank you.
With gratitude,
Anna